Caring enough isn’t always enough

It felt like a slap in the face. Her comment halted my excitement like a record scratch.

I had just delivered a talk during a virtual summit, and the supportive comments in the chat and from the host had me feeling confident the session resonated with attendees. Since this virtual summit had guest commentators between talks, I decided to hear what they thought about my session.

My talk was about creating a sustainable content system that fits how you actually work. This means understanding how you are wired and what works for you, not just copying what others do.

I had shared a personal example of how going live to record content works well for my brain because of the external accountability. If I know even one person might watch when I go live, I will show up even on days I’d rather not record content. In comparison, during the years I recorded content on my own schedule, I was very inconsistent. It’s not that I didn’t make a plan to record content (I did), it’s that I didn’t follow my plan.

• Those time blocks in my calendar? Easily moved.
• That weekly publishing target? It’s flexible.

When I described how using external accountability keeps me consistent, many people in the chat agreed. They, too, struggle to stick to a plan when there’s no “real deadline”. Self-created deadlines are well intended, but often ignored.

So as I’m watching the post-session commentary, I perk up when I hear the discussion shift towards accountability. Both commentators are in agreement about the power of external accountability, which is why I’m caught off guard by the next statement: “My audience keeps me accountable. Knowing I want to show up for them keeps me consistent.”

Upon hearing those words, I felt defensive.

What she said was not intended maliciously, so why did I have that reaction?

Well, the statement infers caring for your audience should be enough to keep you accountable and consistent. So if you are not putting out regular content, maybe you don’t care enough about them.

But I do care about the people consuming my content. In fact, it contributes to the guilt I feel when I don’t publish consistently. It amplifies the frustration I feel when I ignore self-imposed deadlines. I’m not just failing myself, I’m failing them, too.

That simple comment touched on a lifelong self-criticism: if I’m not following through, then I must not care enough.

However, now I know that’s not true.

• You can care a lot and still not follow through consistently.
• You can have a strong ‘why’ and still not follow through consistently.

Her statement highlighted a misunderstanding between inner vs. outer expectations.

In her case, she wants to serve her audience (her ‘why’) by publishing consistently (an inner expectation). Based on her example, she is a person who tends to follow through on her own expectations. She says she’ll do it, so she does it. She is accountable to herself.

In my case, I also want to serve my audience (my ‘why’) by publishing consistently (an inner expectation). But, I am the kind of person who resists my own expectations. Because I know this, I use external accountability (outer expectation). Turning inner expectations into outer expectations is an effective strategy for people who struggle with self-imposed timelines and plans.

Simply put, I am more likely to follow through when I’m accountable to others.

With all this said, you might wonder why I’m sharing this story about a comment that made me temporarily defensive. She was just sharing what works for her, so what’s the issue?

Well, my concern is for the person hearing that kind of comment who also struggles to follow through with inner expectations. The message can be interpreted as a criticism or judgment. Their lack of consistent follow-through must mean they don’t care enough or they lack a clear purpose. Worse, they may conclude there’s something wrong with them because they can’t do what others seem to do with ease.

I know I felt that way for a long time. And as you can see from this story, I still react when a single comment brings up an old insecurity.

But, once you know more about how you’re wired, not only can you use effective strategies to follow through more consistently, you can also identify when a statement by a person who’s wired differently doesn’t apply to you.

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