A genuine question I’m still trying to answer

I could tell his question was sincere, not judgmental. But it still caught me off guard.

“What does it feel like to resist following through on what you say you’ll do?”

A friend asked me this after I explained The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin, a framework based on how people respond to inner and outer expectations. Her research found more than half of respondents tend to resist inner expectations. In other words, resisting doing the things you tell yourself you’ll do.

My tendency, the Obliger, tends to resist inner expectations but meet outer expectations. If someone else is expecting me to do it, I rise to the occasion. But if I’m asking myself to do it? My first instinct is resistance.

• Maybe I can do this later.
• Is there anything else I should do instead?
• I made up this deadline, so I can move it.

On the other hand, his tendency, the Upholder, tends to meet both inner and outer expectations. His instinct is to follow through on what he says he’ll do and also on what others expect. He explained how merely thinking of not following through made him squirm. The idea of resisting follow-through was so foreign to him, he genuinely wanted to understand what it feels like.

So he asked me.

Full transparency: upon hearing his question, I blurted out, “IT SUCKS”, followed by a laugh that only briefly masked the pain behind my reply. Then I got quiet as I really considered what he was asking. How can I describe what it feels like when I avoid doing what I say I’ll do? How do I explain what it’s like when my instincts often sabotage my good intentions?

I couldn’t find the words at the time, and I’m not sure I’ve found them yet. But the question hasn’t left me, and I believe it has lingered for a reason.

So many people share my experience. The way we’re wired makes it difficult to ‘do the thing’ we want to do. Plus, resisting follow-through is not just frustrating for those of us who struggle with it, it’s also frustrating for those around us.

• “I don’t understand why you don’t just do the thing?”
• “Why are you delaying? You’re just making it harder on yourself.”
• “Maybe you don’t want it enough?”

It’s not like I haven’t asked myself those exact same questions over the years.

But I’m sure of one thing: I didn’t choose to be this way, just like I didn’t choose my eye colour.

So when a curious person who doesn’t struggle like I do asked me what it’s like, I realized there is gap. It’s a gap in understanding, but that can lead to a lack of empathy and patience. And not just for people who don’t share this struggle, but also for those of us who tend to resist follow-through.

It’s a big reason why I write openly about my experiences.

I want to help close the gap. For me, for people like me, and for people who want to better understand people like me. This means sharing what it’s like to be ambitious but inconsistent, including the lessons I’m learning about what works (and what doesn’t) for how I’m wired.

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