The trap of proving you can do it alone

In a way, it’s almost cruel.

I’ve written about my struggles as a person who resists inner expectations. If I tell myself I’m going to do something, there’s a good chance I’ll put it off when the time comes. Because of this, I use external accountability. I’m far more likely to follow through when there’s an outer expectation.

But, there’s a catch.

Sometimes I tell myself I’ll do something, and I do it. No procrastination. No battle. No big deal. No external accountability. I just follow through.

And this, my friend, is the trickiest part of being wired this way.

It’s the inconsistency that gets you. How one day you’ll set an intention, meet it, and feel accomplished. Now you’ve got evidence you can follow through on your own expectations. It’s a confidence boost. You’ve got this.

That is, until you don’t.

Suddenly you are back where you started, feeling stuck and not doing what you set out to do. It’s especially painful because you have just proven you are capable of following through without help.

“I know I can do this. I’ve done this before. So why can’t I keep it up on my own?”

The truth is, you are capable of meeting inner expectations, but it’s not your default setting. Working against how you’re wired is like swimming against the current. Sure, you can do it for a while, but it’s unsustainable and leaves you exhausted.

Misplaced pride

I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but I take pride in figuring things out all on my own. (No help needed here, thank you very much!)

So it makes sense that I would feel a sense of pride from following through on my own intentions without needing any kind of external accountability to make it happen. But is that pride misplaced?

Let’s consider this question in a different context.

In my late 20s, I noticed I was squinting to read street signs, often barely making a turn in time because I couldn’t see clearly. An optometrist confirmed I was short-sighted and gave me a prescription for glasses, but it was mild enough that I was safe to drive without glasses.

In my 30s, back in the classroom as an MBA student, having glasses helped me read the screen with ease. And now in my 40s, I keep a pair near my TV (although even with the glasses, keeping up with on-screen ‘texting’ is a special kind of fun).

Whether it’s in the car, a classroom, or my living room, wearing glasses makes everything clear and in focus. But, I technically don’t need them. I can get by without my glasses.

What if I told you I take pride in not wearing my glasses? Sure, I may squint and contort my face as I try to make out the finer details, but I’m doing it without any help!

I’m guessing you might (rightfully) question my logic.

I’m also guessing if you saw me struggling to see and knew I had glasses, you would encourage me to put them on.

Planning for the default setting

Just like how I have a pair of glasses in my car and another pair by the TV, I also plan for external accountability.

Yes, I can follow through on my own tasks, but it’s not my default setting. That’s why I join accountability groups, attend co-working sessions, and make many of my intentions public. These all increase my likelihood of following through.

So when you’ve got a tool that works and reduces your struggle, lean into it. Honestly, there’s already enough struggle in our lives, so why add unnecessary challenges?

Yes, I take pride in solving a problem on my own. But you know what else I’m proud of? Following through on what matters by leaning into what works, even if it means getting outside help.

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