My dreaded F-word
It didn’t seem to matter that no one has ever uttered the word directed at me. I still dreaded it.
Flaky.
The mere thought of being considered flaky was enough for me to get defensive.
- “There she goes again with her new hobby of the week.”
- “Can’t you just find one thing and stick to it?”
- “Sure, sure. This time it will last… I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Each derisive comment would float through my head as I imagine people’s inner dialogues while they ask what I’m up to now.
A question like, “What have you been up to lately?” could be sincere, or it could be loaded. But even if they ask with no judgment intended, I’ve got enough for both of us.
The dreaded image
I first learned the term ‘dreaded image’ from Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey, creators of the Immunity to Change framework. It’s the image of yourself you don’t want the outside world to see. It’s not just that you don’t want others to see you this way, but you also don’t want to see yourself this way.
Your brain is always on the lookout for potential threats and working behind the scenes to avoid behaviours that could reveal this image to the world.
“If I change direction again, people will think I’m flaky and can’t ever stick to one thing.”
The dreaded image is powerful. How we’re seen by others and ourselves matters, and any threat to our image should be avoided.
As an Immunity to Change facilitator, I’ve helped many people uncover this dreaded version of themselves.
For example:
- “I want to earn a living from my art, but I don’t want to look like a sellout.”
- “I want to focus on my fitness, but I don’t want to seem self-absorbed.”
- “I want to market my services, but I don’t want to come off as salesy.”
- “I want better work-life balance, but I don’t want my boss to think I’m not committed to my role.”
In other words, you have a goal, but pursuing this goal risks exposing a dreaded image.
Assessing the threat
When it comes to a dreaded image, the fear is based on assumptions we hold, whether we realize it or not.
Let’s look at my dreaded F-word: flaky.
It’s clear I have some assumptions that changing direction or not sticking with one thing for a long time means a person is flaky. But when I really start to look more carefully at this conclusion, I can see the flaws.
The term flaky is typically used to describe a person who is unreliable or undependable. It’s the person who bails at the last minute (again).
So does the mere act of changing one’s mind mean a person can’t be depended upon? No. It doesn’t. There are many good reasons to pivot, shift direction, or let something go. It doesn’t mean a person is flaky or can’t be trusted.
Exploring your dreaded image
Maybe you don’t share my fear of being labelled flaky, but if you’ve been hesitating in another area of your life, it’s worth asking yourself:
- What dreaded image you might be trying to avoid?
- What assumptions do you hold that make you fear this outcome, and are they true?
- Even if they are true or partly true, might you still be okay?
When you let yourself be curious to explore these questions, you open the door to shift your perspective, lower the perceived threat, and take action with less hesitation.
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